Domestic violence
cuts across all socio-economic and cultural backgrounds. Twenty eight percent
of women, almost a third of all women in Nigeria, have experienced physical
violence, a significant number in a country of almost 160 million.
Up to 43 per cent of women believe that
domestic violence could be justified on matters such as burning the food;
arguing with their husbands; going out without asking for permission;
neglecting the children; and refusal to have sexual intercourse.
Women with no education are more likely to believe
that physical and mental abuse is justified. Rural men are more likely to say
that abuse on any of the above-mentioned grounds is justified. Educated men
are less likely to justify abuse than men with less education and
exposure. While many women are now speaking out against the violence they have
had to endure, others have escaped with permanent disabilities and scars while
some, who are not so lucky, have died in the process of being abused
constantly.
Here are stories from a few strong women that
have gone through and survived domestic abuse. These strong willed women are
brave and are examples for other women going through such abuse, to understand
that you can still get out; you can pull through; you will survive if you speak
up and take a stand.
Anytime Kehinde disagreed with her husband, she
would be beaten for it. For all the years she lived with him, she has been
beaten more times than she can remember. Sadly, her children witnessed several
sessions of this heart breaking incident. With each scar, came a sting of pain
in her heart that kept multiplying until she decided to take a stand. Even
though she noticed signs of his aggressive nature before they got married, she
shoved it off as a mistake. He slapped her once when they were dating, but she
waved it aside.
According to Kehinde, an English graduate, her
ex-husband believed she shouldn’t have a voice in their marriage. He, as the
head of the family, had the final say. Her life at the time was brutal and
discouraging. She needed permission to be with friends or family, she needed
permission for almost all the basic things we take for granted. She was
literally living in hell. Filled with regrets at the turn of events in her
life, Kehinde said she would have put two and two together, because he told her
his father used to beat his mother a lot. While beating her, he tells her, ‘my
father used to beat my mother and she didn’t die, if I beat you, you will not
break, you are not an egg.’
During the nine months of her pregnancy, the
beating worsened. On one occasion, he threw a lit lantern at her, but luckily
for her, she dodged and the settee in their sitting room almost caught fire. At
another time, he held a knife to her neck. The horror she felt that day was
better imagined as her whole life flashed before her eyes and she begged to
stay alive for her children. His eyes were blood shot, and she didn’t believe
that she would survive that encounter. Kehinde was disappointed when she
reported her husband’s inhuman behaviour to his father. He told her to be
patient that the beating was normal. Her local pastor didn’t even provide the
succour she needed at that time with words. Not even the police were ready to
protect her from the beatings she endured at home. ‘’When I went to my local
Pastor, he told me that I shouldn’t be making him angry, and that whatever my
husband says, I should submit. I asked him if that included him asking me to
rob a bank or kill someone. When I went to the police, they took one look at me
and smiling said, ‘you are not a small girl. You either bear it or seek a
divorce.’ “What I wanted at that time was for the violence to stop and not for
the marriage to end.’’ Looking back, Kehinde confessed that her marriage was
over in the 9th year, but she was determined to make it work against all odds.
Her reason: She didn’t want to be tagged a divorcee.
She was also worried over how she would raise her
children who witnessed some of the abuses. So, she had to hide at her parents’
house at some point to shield herself from the beatings. She eventually got
help from an NGO that helps abused women. Kehinde is just one out of several
women out there who are enduring domestic violence for several reasons. Only a
few brave ones have taken a walk out of such homes.
Eventually, we had three children, but the violence
didn’t stop. I had lost count on how many times he beat me and threw me out of
the house or abandoned me on the road side if we had an argument in the car
while driving home from somewhere.
On more than two occasions, I went to the police
station to report, but they never took me seriously. When I could not take it
any longer, I decided to take my destiny in my hands. Initially, I ran away,
because he had said, if I did not leave, he would kill me.’’
Someone referred me to An NGO that helps women in
abusive marriages and they gave me shelter. I stayed there for six months. In
the first few days that I was at the shelter, I was miserable because I missed
my children.
I succeeded in getting two of my three childreln
and the action infuriated my husband who used his personal relationship with
the Police to threaten and intimidate me. They tried tracing me to the shelter,
and at that point the NGO had to petition the IGP.
It was all joy for me when the petition was
approved and the State Police Command was asked to back off on a case that was
already in court. I also went to the public to tell my story as he had gone on
the social media to say one small NGO was trying to use his name to make money.
By the time I told my own side of the story, he could not comment further.
Reliving my sad days as a married woman, I realized
that my husband didn’t allow me to do anything. I lived in his shadow and my
self-esteem was at its lowest ebb because I was careful not to provoke him.
Since he was older than me by about 22years, my
husband felt that I was too stupid to know or do anything against his order. My
opinion in the house did not count, and anytime I tried voicing out anything, I
received serious beatings.
While I was at the shelter, and with the constant
counselling I received, my self-confidence and esteem returned gradually. I
started believing in myself and my ability to work and earn a living. I engaged
in petty trading with support from my father."
Life smiled on Kubrah who was able to rent a small
apartment for herself and her children after living in the shelter for months.
However, Ruth would live to regret her decision as
her prayers fell on hard ground. He became worse and abused her even the more.
Three months ago, he threatened to kill her and the children. This time, she
knew the threat was real. She became fearful and lost all hope, thinking of
what would happen when he eventually carries out his threats.
‘’My kids were frightened, my daughter begged me to
call the police, but I refused, claiming that a good woman won’t call the
police on her husband. Her next statement made me cry. She said you always
protect him, he beat you, spit on you, but you still protect him. I hope you
will be happy if he eventually kills us “.
It was not that her daughter wasn’t telling the
truth, but the reality was that they had nowhere to go. But her friend came to
her rescue offering her a boys’ quarters accommodation in her home and she
moved in with her two children. They had rest for a while until her husband
started threatening the couple who took them in.
She narrated further, “After two months, he started
calling, asking people to call and say how sorry he was. I was considering going
back but every time I pray, I keep getting this feeling that if I go back to
him, I might not come back alive. I wanted to go back because I hate divorce.’’
4. Lami: Lami was married for 10 years and she was
blessed with two children. But her marriage was not the happy one she
envisaged. Her husband had on several occasions beaten, threatened and warned
her to keep quiet concerning what was happening at home. She trembled whenever
she heard his voice. All she would do to provoke him was to ask him questions
about what she deemed important and he would flip. On one occasion, he
attempted strangling her and pulled off her hair from her scalp.
Worse still, he never provided for the family as
and when due and refused her conjugal rights. On several occasions, after
enduring the frustration for a long time, Lami made attempts to bring in their
pastor to mediate, a suggestion he hitherto, refused.
It was then it dawned on her that she would no
longer risk her life for a union that was snuffing every inch of her breath
away from existence. With nowhere to go and no money to keep her and her
children together, she ran to a shelter for abused women and they helped her to
get back on her feet.
Mary: Another domestic violence survivor, Mary was
married for nine turbulent years. Trouble started during preparations for their
wedding. As invites were being sent out to friends, he beat her up and broke
her left eardrum in the process.
Immediately, she wanted to call the wedding off,
but both families begged and prevailed on her not to do so, as it would bring
about shame. They pleaded on his behalf and he promised never to hit her again.
But he didn’t keep his promise. Four months into their marriage, he started
beating her at every slightest opportunity. This led to further deterioration
in her left ear, as he kept slapping and hitting her. She revealed that the
beatings and the problems continued unabated for nine years despite family interventions,
which often times ended with both families asking her to apologise even after
the beatings. Hardly would a month go by that he wouldn’t beat her. At one
time, he attempted to strangle her. She however managed to escape from him and
called out to neighbours. Having escaped, she reported him to the police. He
was invited but no agreement could be reached as he told the police that as
long as she argues with him, he would keep beating her.
‘’At this point, I realized that there was no hope
for our marriage and that I needed to run for dear life. Neither my security
nor that of my children was guaranteed in the marriage. I got to a
non-governmental organization, six weeks after they opened the first shelter
for abused women in Nigeria.’’
Her marriage was dissolved on the grounds of
cruelty, physical assault and threat to life. While she gained custody of their
children, her ex was asked to pay maintenance allowance for his young children.
Her ordeal was far from over as her ex-husband never adhered to the court
judgement till date; he has refused to cater for his children as ruled. The NGO
assisted her through School and thereafter, she got a job with the University
of Abuja where she now works.
Even though she is happy to be alive to tell her
story, she has not had it easy catering for her children as a single mother. It
was a tough road, but one that is laced with benefits. Her children give her
strength to keep moving.
Aminat: A
mother of four, Aminat had suffered incessant physical and psychological assault
from her husband. She experienced various forms of physical assault ranging
from chasing her with cutlass on several occasions; throwing her things out of
the house; seizing and destroying her personal and official properties such as
office laptop and phones etc.
Even though he had a business of his own, her
husband had on numerous occasions forced her to transfer her salaries to him on
monthly basis, using the children as bait. He had severally threatened to
frustrate her in life and render her useless, saying nothing would happen.
For the most part of their 11 -year marriage, she
lived in unimaginable fear for her life and that of her children. At one point,
he asked her to resign from her job after collecting her salary. He placed her
under house arrest for days. He seized her phones too. When she eventually
communicated to her father begging to be rescued, he pushed her out of their
home even though she was still breastfeeding her baby.
After much power tussle between both families using
the police, her baby was handed over to her. She filed for a restraining order
against him. She has known peace ever since she left her abusive husband and
she’s doing well with her four children.
Rifkahtu: Rifkahtu had married her husband hoping
the marriage would be filled with bliss. They had started a business together,
built a house together and bought cars together, yet, all the documents were in
his name.
When she summoned the courage to ask him why all
the documents were in his name having contributed 70 per-cent of the money
involved, he beat her up, tearing her clothes before their neighbours.
He started sleeping around with women, and whenever
she expressed her displeasure, she would receive a thorough beating. He
proceeded to a customary court to divorce her because they had a traditional
marriage.
‘’The last time he beat me up in the presence of my
children and neighbours, I reported him to the police and he was invited for
questioning. At the station, the police made him sign an undertaking never to
assault me again.’’
Susan: A mother of two boys, Susan got married to a
Naval Officer, after they met at her elder sister’s residence. They courted for
six months and consummated their marriage in 2007. However, their
love-at-first-sight story turned sour as he turned her to his punching bag. She
received beatings whenever she confronted him about his numerous affairs. Once,
he poked his hands into her eyes and till date, she still feels the pain in her
eyes. As the beatings continued, Susan cried out for help and reported her
abusive husband to the police. While the case was still under investigation, he
retaliated by taking her children away from her and she has not seen them ever
since. He took them to his sister’s house where they had denied Susan the right
to see or even speak to them on phone. Susan alleged that her husband is about
to take another lady for a wife, while her two children are away from her.
Scared of receiving another round of beating, Susan has not made any travel
plans to get her children back.
By: Umaru Maryam Hadejia
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