It's hard
but it happens and it hurts really badly. You shared a wonderful friendship.
Somewhere along the way, friendship turned into love. For a little while, it
was even more wonderful than your platonic relationship. Then the hammer
dropped at the height of your mutual love and now your best friend and love
wants out. You go over your exchanges
over and over in your mind. Where did it go wrong? What should you have done that you
didn't? What did you do that you
shouldn't have? You feel rejected. At
this point, what you should be thinking about is how to deal with this
situation so that you can move on with your life. Here are a few suggestions
below:
1. Accept that romantic
love isn't usually a conscious decision. So, if a person knows that you love him/her, but doesn't
feel the same way about you, don't view it as some kind of betrayal or
deliberate withholding. Sometimes the feeling just isn't there. Try not to take
it personally. The fact is you can’t force someone to reciprocate your love.
2. Eradicate any sense
of neediness. If
you're feeling upset, depressed, or bitter, it's probably because you feel you
need that person's love in order to be happy. But all you need to be really
happy is a healthy dose of optimism and self-esteem. You may also find that it
is neediness (which you may be conveying without even realizing it) that's
turning off the person you love.
3. Distance yourself. You won't want to, but staying
close to someone you want but can't have just isn't healthy. Don't tell the
person or anyone close to them what you are doing, as they might try to
convince you otherwise. Just try to get away for a while. Don't call them,
don't go places where you know they frequently visit; just make yourself
scarce. If you must have some contact (such as work), respond to messages
slowly after a few days. Only call back when you have a good excuse. Get off the phone after a few minutes. Take
the time to reflect on your situation and learn more about yourself.
4. Enjoy being single. Dealing with unrequited love is a
lot like getting over a break up, except you feel a sense of loss over
something you never had. Still, you have to learn how to enjoy life without
someone, which can be hard in our couple-centred society, but it's do-able.
5. Practice
unconditional love.
If you feel that you really, truly love this person, then perhaps you can love him/her
unconditionally. You'll know you've reached that point when you can genuinely
feel happy for that person, even if that happiness does not include you. With
unconditional love, there's no sense of loss, because it's about deriving all
your happiness from the act of giving - not from receiving.
6. Keep all
recriminations and pleading to yourself. Let's face it: done is done. Take the news as gracefully as
you possibly can. Cry over it if you need to. Just don't call names, express
bitter regrets, or plead and beg for another chance. While name-calling is
uncivilised, pleading and begging is
7. Understand that
making this transition will not be easy. You need some space
for a little while. Cut contact with that person for now. View this as
something that must simply be endured, like a broken arm. Time away from him/her
will help you draw a line between your hope for what could have been, and the
reality that now must be.
8. Do things that
engage your logical, planning, strategic brain. When people are depressed, they
have less activity in the prefrontal lobes of the left side of their brain; so
purposefully doing logical activities can help stabilize mood and help you feel
much more detached and objective about stuff that was bothering you. You need a
clear perspective to deal with unrequited love.
Real love
should make you happy and contented, not miserable and anxious. Unrequited love
can never be anything but painful. For harmony in a relationship, the force of
attraction needs to be balanced. Just imagine how good it's going to be when
you find someone who knows how to love you as you love him/her.
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