BEAR THESE IN MIND BEFORE MARRIAGE

As interesting as the union called marriage is, you will agree with me that it is not easy for two people from different backgrounds who have different ideologies and different approach to life situations to live under the same roof. Many people rush into marriage without knowing what they are supposed to know as well as ask the necessary questions that they ought to ask before walking down the aisle. This has caused several problems such as misunderstanding which eventually leads to divorce. It is pertinent to know that before marriage, intending couples should know certain things they ought to know to avoid exclaiming “HAD I KNOW” while in marriage. Below are few out of the many things to bear in mind before exchanging marital vows.

1.         Talk About Sharing Finances Early

Don’t wait until you get married to develop a budget, talk about savings and how to make financial plans. Start doing this right after you get engaged, so that you’re on the same page. Figure out how you’ll budget and how you’ll decide what to spend money on. Money is one of the hardest things to learn how to share, and it’s so much easier if you talk it through first. Talk about how to pay off debt if one of you incurs it. Before you marry, you need to have a serious conversation about becoming debt free.

These things are not easy, and most people don’t know how to go about them, so ask your counsellor, someone more experienced than you are or probably someone smart with money that you can sit down with and can help you work through basic budgeting and make some of these plans. Get some help right before you walk down the aisle! You both must learn to live on one income. Take the second income and save it for the house, car, or whatever you intend to buy. But live within your means and it will help your family move forward.

2.             Get Along With Your In-Laws

Get along well with your In-laws; you need them more than you think. Once you’re married, that family will be a part of your life, whether you like it or not. So make an effort to be friendly and get along with them as much as possible. Often when you’re dating you live away from in-laws, so they don’t seem like a factor in your life, but that changes as soon as you get married to your partner. Much emphasis is laid on women to get more along with her husband-to-be family because our culture has made it so. Go with his sister out to get your nails done, do a craft with your mother-in-law or ask her to help you cook a traditional meal. Don’t wait for them to make the first move, make that first move and build that relationship.

3.          Marriage is all about Selflessness

Don’t go into marriage thinking, “we’ll each do our part”. If you start marriage measuring who does more work, you’ll always find that he doesn’t measure up. That’s because all of us have unrealistic expectations, and all of us expect our partners to do things our way. At the same time, they expect us to do things their way. So since we’re expecting what is virtually impossible, we’ll find that they never do. We each jump in and dedicate ourselves to making the marriage great. The more you do that, the more benefits you’ll receive.  Marriage isn’t always a 50/50 deal. Most days it is 60/40 or even 80/20. It all depends. But being married means meeting that other person wherever they are at that time. The more you pet your marriage the more it will flourish. You absolutely need to be totally selfless at times for it to work.

4. Marriage doesn’t’ change everything

Pay attention to “habits” and don’t overlook them so easily just because you’re in love. Sometimes, that habit is really an addiction and no matter how hard you try or how much you think they love you, you can’t and won’t make them stop. Please heed addictions and give them time to get help and get healed before you marry them. Before you’re married, don’t just date, do life so you can see how they actually live. Do errands together, do mundane things together. Hang out. If you find there’s a major habit they have that annoys you, remember: this will only be magnified tenfold when you both get married. It won’t go away. Marriage will not change that habit so keep your eyes open.

5. Conflicts make you stronger

Your first fight when you’re married may scare you. But that’s okay. Conflict isn’t always bad as long as you handle it well. In Marriage, you smooth each other out as you bang and hit against each other while talking through your conflict. Tell him/her about what you’re thinking. Keep communication open, even if it’s hard. Before you’re married, develop a plan on how you’ll have these difficult talks. Maybe after dinner you’ll go for a drink and that will give both of you time to bring up anything you want to. Plan beforehand, and arrange for a time to talk, knowing that there will always be something to talk about to make life smoother. Conflict is always either a win/win or a lose/lose. Don’t aim to win an argument, because if you defeat your partner and they lose, you lose too. You lose intimacy. Instead, find the win in everything. When you do that, conflict doesn’t seem so scary. Don’t shy away from conflict, walk through it; they make you stronger. Know that trying to please your partner in every way possible, even going against your beliefs to prevent arguments, is not the solution.

6. Listen to the little things

Don’t focus on yourself; before you’re married, practice focusing on your partner and what they are thinking and feeling. Let those things matter to you. When you pay attention to the little things they want, they feel important and that makes big conflicts less likely to happen. Speak up! Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader; ask for help in the little things. You may just find they are more than happy to oblige, but they just didn’t know you needed anything.

 BY CONSTANCE CLEMENT