Why people stay in an abusive relationship and the way out

It is baffling and a thing of worry why people, especially ladies decide to stay in abusive relationships. Someone you know or even your loved one might be a victim of abusive relationship. What then is an abusive relationship? Abuse can come in heaps of different ways; it is not limited to physical violence only. An abusive relationship can be emotional, physical, verbal or even sexual abuse, and can also involve control of finances. People who have never been abused or been with an abusive spouse often wonder why someone in an abusive relationship wouldn’t just leave. The truth is that there are a lot of complications when it comes to breaking up with the abuser.

There are many reasons why both men and women stay in abusive relationships. If you have friends or relation  in abusive relationships, rather than condemn them, support them and show some understanding why they may choose not to leave immediately.  Below are the reasons:

·         Fear: A lady or guy in an abusive relationship will be afraid to leave the relationship due to constant threat from the abuser. The abuser can even go as far as saying “if you dare to leave me I will make your life miserable”.

·         Believing Abuse is Normal: A person who has never enjoyed a healthy relationship will think abuse is normal; all you need to do is endure. This might be due to his or her childhood upbringing where abuse was a common and normal thing. A person in an abusive relationship is used to the pushing, hitting, shoving and being forced to have sex. That is why they may only laugh when friends tell them it is abnormal, or suggest they leave the leave the abuser.

·         Embarrassment: People in abusive relationships are often too embarrassed to reveal to friends that they are being abused, or have been abused in their past relationships. They feel people will think it is their fault.

·     Low Self-esteem: “You are the cause of why I am like this”! This statement will hurt them so bad to the extent that they will start believing that they are the reason why their spouse turned out to be an abuser.

·         Love: “I know he loves me and didn’t mean to hurt me”! Can you hear yourself? Love doesn’t believe in violence, someone may decide to stay in an abusive relationship hoping and praying for a partner to change. After a violent event, it's common a couple to try and make it ok by making excuses, apologising, or promising to change. The abuser can even tell you, “I am so sorry, I promise to change”. And the victim who is being blinded by “love” will believe that.  It won’t be long before they will forget all the promises and get violent again.

·         Lack of Money: Someone you know in an abusive relationship will not leave it immediately due to the money he or she gets from the abuser. Maybe each time the abuser wants to apologize for being violent, the best way they think is to give money.

·         Nowhere to Go: Some feel that they have nowhere to go to because they might have cut off ties with people who advised them to leave the abusive relationship. This feeling of helplessness can be especially strong if the person is cohabiting with the abusive partner.

·         “I am scared of what will happen if I leave”: In an abusive relationship, it’s not unusual to be afraid of leaving the person you are with. This can be for a number of reasons, such as fearing for your own safety, or being fearful of what the person might do to themselves. An abusive partner will even go as far as saying “if you leave me I will kill myself or if I can’t have you, no one else will”.

Way out from an abusive relationship

As difficult as it may seem, there are some possible ways to get yourself out from an abusive relationship.

·         Talk to someone you know you can trust who will advise you on the right thing to do.

·         Never be afraid to report abusive partners to the right bodies who will arrest them.

·         If you have a friend or loved one in an abusive relationship, the most important thing to do is to be supportive. Do not judge because it is like adding salt to their injury.

·         If your abusive partner threatens to harm themselves when you leave them don’t fall for it, because it is cheap blackmail. It is not your fault they turn out that way. Don’t you care for your own safety? Maybe you probably haven’t heard of some abusive relationships where the victims died.

·         You might also be afraid of not being able to provide for yourself. But it’s important to remember that you are not on your own and there are people who can help you every step of the way. Don’t be embarrassed to run to friends or family and open up about your abusive relationship. They care for you and will help you.

·         No one deserves to be in a relationship where they don’t feel safe. If you are in a relationship that you think might be abusive, find out more about what you can do. You can even go and talk to counsellors that will proffer a better solution.

·         Don’t give up or lose hope. Stand up and fight! You can even buy books that educate people on how to stand up to an abusive partner or watch inspirational movies. But if you don’t feel like fighting back, just walk away.