Truthfully, the more room there is to run unfettered, the more likely we are to trip and fall flat on our faces. Boundaries are necessary, and there’s nothing about them that says they can’t change. They shouldn’t be thought of as rigid constrictions designed to suffocate a relationship. They should, can, and do change, which is why discussing them is so important.
Overall Expectations
First off, you should always discuss what you expect out of
someone, and what you expect to receive. A lot of people enter
relationships putting the burden of healing/completing them onto someone else.
None of us, however, are anyone’s god, goddess, or totem of completion. A
relationship should be a balance of give and take, not take till there’s
nothing left for someone to give. Make sure to discuss how far you’re willing
to go toward being someone’s “fulfillment” and how you would like, in turn, to
be filled.
2. Tolerances
Everyone has different
physical pain thresholds. Same goes for emotional. Let a loved one know there
are certain things you will not tolerate: being shouted at, lied to, silenced, or mistrusted whatever it is, make
it known that going past these boundaries is a journey they may not want to
take.
3. Sexual Expression
Some people like sex every morning. Some people like it in odd
locations. Some do it only on holidays. Some are wild, some slow and sensual. If
you and your lover don’t know where your sexual boundaries are, one or both of
you might spend precious time unhappily faking sexual expression, which is a
clear sign of trouble on any relationship’s horizon. Let your needs and
preferences be known, as well as how much wiggle room for experimentation
exists within them.
4. Financial
Money is generally taken
to be poison in matters of the heart, but money for better or for worse;
granted usually worse is an inescapable part of human interactions whether
you’re with someone or not. There used to be a huge stigma associated with a
division of “romantic” funds, but many married couples now openly maintain
separate bank accounts. It isn’t an issue of mistrust or an expectancy of a
failed relationship; it’s a matter of convenience. Discuss your financial
boundaries early to avoid sticky entanglements later.
5. Past Lives
Simply put, your past is
yours. Many people incorrectly feel that it’s their right or duty to split open
a lover’s past so that everything about the lover is laid bare like parts for
examination. You, however, are not an automobile. Let people know that what you
choose to divulge unless non-disclosure presents a direct health risk or is
otherwise threatening is at your discretion.
Communication is very vital in a relationship but a relationship is not a therapist’s couch. Unless and
until you’re comfortable doing so, you’re in no way obligated to make yourself
an open book.
6. Family
Setting basic
boundaries on how much each other’s family interaction impacts the relationship
will prevent a lot of emergency restoration later.
7. Friendships
Your lover will never
like all of your friends, nor you theirs, but that doesn’t stop a lot of people
from trying to determine who the other can and can’t have as friends. Set
mutual boundaries of respect that the other can make reasonable decisions as to
who they allow to influence them and, by extension, who they allow to influence
the relationship.
BY STEPHANIE E. HEMEN
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