When the Person You Love Doesn't Love You

It's hard but it happens…. and it hurts really badly. You love someone who may have loved you once upon a time or you love someone who acted like there was a possibility of love in return, but now there's not or you love someone who simply doesn't feel the same way and isn't going to feel the same way, ever. Or you loved someone deeply who loved you deeply and then this person just switched off and hurt you in ways that were unimaginable at the height of your mutual love or This person loved you and you loved them and then someone new came along and they left.  Friends tell you that you are better than this new person in every way.  But your ex is still with Mr or Ms ‘New Thing’. Whatever the situation, you're left with a big pile of hurt.  And it really hurts. You go over your exchanges over and over in your mind. Where did it go wrong or fail to go right?  What should you have done that you didn't?  What did you do that you shouldn't have? You feel rejected and less than.  You feel as if there is something really wrong with you.  You wonder what you could do to make this person want you.

It's frustrating if they are with a new person who doesn't come close to being what you are.  You seethe because this new person is a snake in the grass and your ex doesn't see it.  This new person is immature or unavailable or spoiled or just plain stupid.  And your ex is enthralled none the less.  What? No, seriously....What? Or there is no one else and nothing else.  This person just fell out of love one day.  Or failed to fall in love on the day you did.  That's even more baffling. The first emotion is disbelief.  How can this be?  How did I get here?  How am I hurting over this person who made me so happy? 

Maybe your personality is draining away, you used to be fun and helpful and have a great sense of humour.  Now you're plain and dull and you're boring all your friends with your sad refrain of unrequited love. Part of you refuses to believe it.  It CAN'T be so.  Something will change.  This is a phase.  This is temporary.  I'll just sit here and wait for my love to smarten up and see the light. That is what I will do. Better yet, I will change things.  I will call him or her or text him or her.  We will get into a big emotional conversation and I will persuade them that this is all wrong.  No, no....I will post photos on Facebook...look!  It's me having a great time!  Don't you miss the fun me?  No?  I'll hint that there is someone else.  I'll make up a Facebook person and have that person make flirty comments on my page!  Wait...I'm losing my mind!!!  Texting is better.  I'll "accidentally" text my ex and make it sound like I was texting a new love interest....then I'll apologize...yeah, that's it.  Wait...no...Yes...what I'll do!

It's hard to let it go.  It is, but it's do-able. You're having trouble absorbing the news and the reality and before you feel the feelings of that reality you're going to do your damndest to make it different or refuse to believe it.  And you want to do something.  And, unfortunately, the best thing to do is NOTHING.  Save your dignity and your sanity and do nothing. Take your time but believe it.  Let it slowly sink in and try to do the hardest thing there is to do:  Nothing.  Doing nothing in a situation like this takes energy.  It takes a lot of energy.  You will think you spend all your time NOT doing something.  And that's because you are.

Next come the feelings.  You feel hurt, anger, betrayal.  You feel rejected and less than.  Your self-esteem is taking a hit from the feeling of rejection. You might feel like a loser and begin to wonder how you can turn yourself into the person that this person will love.

Stop right there.  Forget about changing for someone else.  Forget about bargaining for what you should have without bribing whatever deity you believe in.  Forget about changing your whole life just so someone who doesn't appreciate you and your worth will love you.  FORGET IT. Every relationship is a learning experience.  We learn what parts of us could use improvement, But not because this person found them unattractive or irritating but because you found them unattractive or irritating.

Seriously! It is time to REJECT THE REJECTER, and his or her ridiculous standards of measurement.  Perhaps this person doesn't know what he or she is losing.  Perhaps this person has NO IDEA how worthwhile you are and what value you can add to their life. The bottom line is that you do not want someone who does not want you.  That hurts and that stings.  And that is not what love is all about.  Don't sit around waiting for this person to want you.  Reject anyone who doesn't want you.  They are not worth it.  The first prerequisite for love is to be mutual.  Otherwise it's not okay.  Reject the rejecter.

Get ready for true love, real love, lasting love.  Get ready for a relationship with yourself and then a relationship with a loving and appreciative person who will come into your life once you learn to value YOU.  And you start valuing you by rejecting the rejection and the rejecter.  Be good to yourself.  Today and always!  In a relationship or out of a relationship.  Be good to you. Stop re-injuring yourself with questions about what is wrong with you or how to get them back or get them jealous or get them whatever.  Stop focusing on them and focus on YOU.  Reject this rejecter and every rejecter that came before.  Do your affirmations.  Know that you are worth it.