NOT SO DESPERATE HOUSE HUSBANDS
There are many kinds of husbands in Nigeria. But there
are three kinds of them I know. I have seen two but the third one I have only
heard of or read about in a book. The first kind I know are the ones that
appear timid and benign, albeit they are not entirely so. They hardly interfere
when their wives do most of the active stuff and decision making. They seem to
be saying: “she's a woman and she's my wife, this is how I think we will last
without strangling each other.” No, this first kind is not timid at all and the
most beautiful part of it is, only his wife knows he is not timid.
The second kind I know is the patriarch that has more
than one wife, the provider, never ever found shirking his responsibilities and
is very much in control of the whole family. This man is often living a
fulfilled life, except that the more he grasps about controlling these women,
the more he goes to lengths to ensure that he leaves earth without presiding
over a homicide case between them. Very complex either way.
The third kind is Okonkwo, from my number one novel,
Chinua Achebe's Things Fall Apart,
and although most Okonkwos are whack, they are the stars of my article today.
I noticed that Okonkwo was a fearless man. He was not
lazy for he was fanatic about hard work. He was just the man his society
needed. He was strong, too, physically. But he was weak for he couldn't see
where his family was headed. At home, he ensured that everyone was scared of
him, especially his wives. They feared him, that much the author told us. But
did they have that crazy undying love for him? This is a question I hope will
pop up again before the end of the article.
To me, the entire journey of marriage depends on the
take off, on one's perception of marriage from the beginning. When a man
respects the institute of marriage, he will respect everything involved with
it, right from the engagement (ring) to the moment one of them dies. There will
be no question of divorce no matter how rough the path of matrimony turns out
for them. He respects the institution of marriage and therefore he respects not
only her but everything about her; her efforts in their home, her opinions
about things, her family, her friends, her past and their future...everything.
When a man sees a woman as one big organisation coming to have many types of
dealings with him in form of marriage, there is hope for his stability. But
when he sees her as a slave to do the dishes, or a sex object to fulfil his
lust, then he's done for because that is all he is ever going to expect from
her, and when she doesn't meet his expectations, the weak husband who doesn't
want to divorce his wife will sleep around and flaunt that fact in her face. Another will be sulking like a fat kid who's
been denied cake. The weakest of them resort to other things like violence, and
when a man goes violent on his wife, it could mean both forms: punches and
rape. That man is more whacko than the original Jacko himself.
The funniest kinds of men are the ones that seem
determined to assert their dominance over the entire household, just like
Okonkwo. Some husbands say it out loud “this is my house” as often as they can
and at the slightest opportunity. Some of them use body language, like when
they come home from work or somewhere, they keep unnecessarily double checking
things to find just one reason to rebuke someone. Alas! That someone more often
happens to be the wife, the loyal deputy; the partner they promised not to
hurt; the person who is bearing them children nine months at a time. Some of us
just seem to utterly dismiss the fact that these women go through the most
excruciating pains to give us wards, heirs, successors and legacies to be proud
of. Along the line we seem to stop analysing that the lives our wives are
living with us is the same life our own mums lived in the past to birth and
nurture us until we are grown. Why not motivate your wife to be a good wife so
that she can nurture your own kids, too? Oh, I get it, some of the husbands
don't give a hoot about motivating their wives to motherhood because they know
women are hard-wired with that. The irony of it all is that deep down some men
are still not grown. Thoughts and actions are what separate the boys from the
men. Some men have the elderly countenance and all the charisma, but all that
is just from far away. Observe them with their wives and you will see that only
the body is ageing, deep down they are still boys.
The marriage formula: For a very long time, I have
been using this formula to find the kind of person that there is in a man. For
example, a man who rebukes his wife in the presence of a third party (his or
her relatives, visitors, strangers or even their kids) is a very bad husband and
a very weak man. He might be a nice guy and a good father, but he is a bad and
a weak husband. Weak because he can’t control his disagreement about something
his wife did and he has to rebuke her regardless of whether they were in the
privacy of their bedroom or on the street. A man can be whacko with his
children when he wants to correct them or under those intense moments of
discipline, he can do that. They are his kids. So many people will give him a
pat on the back for having his kids under control. But with his wife, it’s a
different matter altogether. He must forbid himself from expressing his
displeasure just anywhere he feels like. Take the bedroom for instance, that's
where he employs all the devices known to men to get what they want from their
wives. Only between them, no one else would be present while they cuddle,
right? Then that is as well the same place he should rebuke or praise her (with
words). Outside that room or when someone else is with them, the only form of
rebuke he can allow himself is the usual men’s methods: sulking, cold
shoulders, monosyllables and the rest, and even those shouldn't be exercised
more than necessary to attract attention. Once a man and his wife are
identified as living like Tyson and Holyfield, theirs become an object of
jokes, laughs or more likely bad example. Only in few cases do we get to see
some third parties sympathising with one side: The wife. Except in cases where
the wife is known to be a Jezebel, the husband is always not sympathy worthy
and by acting badly with his wife he disqualified them both from being the
awesome couple.
Let's look at the effects of broadcasting marriage
problems. Three things are what make other people know a man and his wife are
having problems. First, when the man isn’t strong enough to disguise his
displeasure, control his anger or wait for the right moment to talk to his
wife. Second, when he tells people that he is having problems with his wife.
Third, when she tells people she is having problems with her husband. This last
factor is the worst because when the wife tells, she tells everything to almost
everyone. Believe it or not, one or two or more among those so thought
confidantes of hers is happy about her problems. All of them are thanking God
it's not them. Worse is they are pretending to listen to her with a 'tut tut'
not because they sympathise with her but because they want to learn from her
mistakes. Does that ring a bell...about the fool, the wise man and learning
from mistakes?
When couples allow their problem to be known,it
discourages youngsters who are willing to marry. When either of them decide to
complain, when the man complains to his wife's parents, or vice versa, they are
telling their in-laws their shortcomings to their faces. Like “hey mother and
father in-law, you haven't brought your son up well. Or “hey in-laws one of you
must be a sadist bully that's why your son is treating me like a full time
slave instead of a wife”. When they complain to their own parents, they are
sowing animosity between both families; Everybody. When they complain to the
kids, they are telling the kids that they (the kids) do have these same
inadequacies. So we see either way, complaining doesn't do any good. Unless
necessary, man and wife must keep their problems to themselves alone. It makes
them happier. It makes people regard them with awe and call them the awesome
couple. It makes God happy with them.
The Almighty and Most High Himself said that women are
solace to us, therefore we must treat them with kindness. If the holy book will
tell us how to treat our wives, then that goes a long way to show how important
women are. Alas, we chose to digress. We chose to argue with God and say no,
women are our slaves and even to some weak ones, women are punching bags.
Okonkwo, from Achebe's Things Fall Apart once noticed a banana tree was withered in his
compound, he angrily demanded who “killed” the banana tree and when his most
beloved wife, Ekwefi was found responsible, he went into a fit of rage and beat
her to a pulp. He almost lost her because later on he shot her with his gun and
missed. Ekwefi had a history with Okwonkwo. She was once married but she ran
away from her husband and came to Okonkwo and that was how they became husband
and wife. That meant at one point there was romance between them. Where did it
go? His wives feared him. But did we see anything like undying love for Okonkwo
in that novel? I would say perhaps the author forgot to depict that because it
wasn’t there. But the fear was emphasised from the beginning of the book. So if
a husband thinks being loud and intimidating to his wife is good for him, then
he is wrong. She might fear him, but love could just be out of the picture.
Even if she stays, it is her body that is staying not her heart.
(And oh, PS; I am not married.)
By Mukhtar M. Iya
By Mukhtar M. Iya
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